Episode Transcript
Dr. Jones: Great expectations. I'm talking about your Valentine's Day hopes. How can you manage your expectations? How can you get what you want, or want what you get? This is Dr. Kirtly Jones from Obstetrics and Gynecology at the Ï㽶ÊÓƵ of Utah Health Care and this is The Scope.
Announcer: Covering all aspects of women's health, this is The Seven Domains of Women's Health with Dr. Kirtly Jones on The Scope.
Dr. Jones: You've seen the YouTube videos, those ones with the guys who do some extraordinary surprise thing for their honey. Pay a plane to drag declarations of their love across the sky. Buy a ticket for a plane ride to an amazing location. You know, give a bouquet of roses as big as a car. Valentine's Day, or your birthday, or your anniversary, these special occasions can set us up for great joy and satisfaction, or great disappointment. How does a grown-up manage wants and expectations around these times?
First of all, the trauma probably started, for those of us who grew up in less enlightened times, when we were in first grade. You know, we all made little shoeboxes with our names on them and our moms bought the little Valentine's and we picked out our friends, or our want-to-be friends, and put Valentine's in their boxes. We all had hopes to get a special valentine or the hugest batch of valentines. And we often didn't and it got worse from there. So here's the problem.
One, women often think, "If he loved me, he would know what I want for Valentine's Day." Two, it's more romantic if it's a big surprise. Three, "It's my Valentine's Day; he should plan it. It's about me." Four, if he doesn't do whatever, he doesn't care about me. Five, guys only want one thing for Valentine's Day.
Well, here are the solutions. He, or she, probably just wants you to be happy. At least, that's the right place to start. If you love them, don't set them up for failure by making them read your mind. Be a grown-up. Grown-ups are responsible for their own happiness. Ask for what you want. Don't set your partner up for failure, set them, and yourself, up for success. The surprise thing, that's a mistake. They overblow it and they blew your budget. They do too much and you don't really like them that much. They don't do enough and you're disappointed. Surprises are overrated.
Now, it isn't "my" Valentine's Day, it's "our" Valentine's Day. Let them know what you think would be nice for you to do together for Valentine's Day. Ask what they would like. Yes, maybe some guys only expect one thing on Valentine's, but don't assume. There may be a lot of pressure on both of you to figure out the right thing and all that could be modified if you just ask.
If you don't have a Valentine's date, you can just mope or you could do something nice for someone. Try some guerrilla goodness. Send a card or a note, not too overbearing, to someone who might not be expecting it. It makes two people feel good, you and them. Of course, you can send more than one. I might do that even though I have a Valentine.
Now, about my valentine. Thirty-five years ago I went into therapy with a highly-respected psychiatrist at a highly-respected medical school. My issue was, why hadn't I left this guy after seven years, who forgot Valentine's Day and my birthday year after year? I wept. Certainly he didn't care for me. She looked at me and let me have my rant. Then she gently suggested that if I was a mature person, I would ask for what I wanted and not set him up to fail year after year. If I loved him, I wouldn't expect the impossible, and I wouldn't set him up to fail.
Huh, that was the best money and time I'd ever spent. We've had 43 Valentine's Days together. Thirty-five years ago, I let go of expectations. So this year, I will get what I want and want what I get. It goes sort of like this: "What would you like to do for Valentine's Day? I would like to go out for dinner, just the two of us, to someplace yummy. It doesn't have to be exactly on Valentine's Day, just sometime this month, my treat." Happy Valentine's and thanks for joining us on The Scope.
Announcer: Covering all aspects of women's health, this is The Seven Domains of Women's Health with Dr. Kirtly Jones on The Scope.